OWNER: Oh yes, the, uh, the Corellian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
CUSTOMER: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E'S DEAD, that's what's wrong with it!
OWNER: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
CUSTOMER: Look, matey, I know a dead smuggler when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
OWNER: No, no. He's not dead. He's…he's restin'! Remarkable scoundrel, the Corellian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
CUSTOMER: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
OWNER: No, no, no, no, no, no! 'E's resting!
CUSTOMER: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'ELLO, MISTER SCRUFFY SMUGGLER! I've got a lovely fresh PRINCESS for you, if you show...
(Owner hits the cage)
OWNER: There...he moved!
CUSTOMER: No, he didn't! That was you hitting the cage!
OWNER: I never!!
CUSTOMER: Yes, you did!
OWNER: I never, never did anything...
CUSTOMER: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO SCRUFFY!!!!! Wakey, wakey! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes smuggler out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
CUSTOMER: Now that's what I call a dead smuggler.
(pause)
OWNER: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
CUSTOMER: STUNNED?!?
OWNER: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Corellian Blues stun easily, major.
CUSTOMER: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That smuggler is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 38 years ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
OWNER: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the asteroids.
CUSTOMER: PININ' for the ASTEROIDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
OWNER: The Corellian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable scoundrel, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
CUSTOMER: Look, I took the liberty of examining that smuggler when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it’s feet were FROZEN in CARBONITE!!
CUSTOMER: No, he didn't! That was you hitting the cage!
OWNER: I never!!
CUSTOMER: Yes, you did!
OWNER: I never, never did anything...
CUSTOMER: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO SCRUFFY!!!!! Wakey, wakey! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes smuggler out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
CUSTOMER: Now that's what I call a dead smuggler.
(pause)
OWNER: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
CUSTOMER: STUNNED?!?
OWNER: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Corellian Blues stun easily, major.
CUSTOMER: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That smuggler is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 38 years ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.OWNER: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the asteroids.
CUSTOMER: PININ' for the ASTEROIDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
OWNER: The Corellian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable scoundrel, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
CUSTOMER: Look, I took the liberty of examining that smuggler when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it’s feet were FROZEN in CARBONITE!!
(pause)
OWNER: Well, o'course they were frozen in carbonite! If I hadn't frozen that scoundrel down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its wookie, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
CUSTOMER: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this scoundrel wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
OWNER: No no! 'E's pining!
CUSTOMER: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This smuggler is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't frozen 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! He's f*ckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-SMUGGLER!!
(pause)
(pause more)
OWNER: Well, o'course they were frozen in carbonite! If I hadn't frozen that scoundrel down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its wookie, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
CUSTOMER: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this scoundrel wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
OWNER: No no! 'E's pining!
CUSTOMER: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This smuggler is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't frozen 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! He's f*ckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-SMUGGLER!!
(pause)
(pause more)
OWNER: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(He takes a quick peek behind the counter.)
OWNER: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of smugglers. Han Solo was one-of-a-kind.
CUSTOMER: I see. I see, I get the picture.
OWNER: (pause) I got an exogorth.
(pause)
CUSTOMER: Does it talk?
OWNER: Nnnnot really.
CUSTOMER: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
OWNER: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted...I wanted to be... A JEDI KNIGHT! Oh…I’m a Jedi Knight and I’m okay. I sleep at night, use the Force by day!
CUSTOMER: Does it talk?
OWNER: Nnnnot really.
CUSTOMER: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
OWNER: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted...I wanted to be... A JEDI KNIGHT! Oh…I’m a Jedi Knight and I’m okay. I sleep at night, use the Force by day!
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